This misadventure happened to me a few years ago, but it is somewhat timeless and is worth mentioning to other people. It has to be classified as one of those moments that are a bit mortifying at the time, but in retrospect is truly hysterical.
I was in a fairly committed relationship at the time. It was long enough that we were exclusive, and we were not using condoms of any sort for sex. You may tsk tsk our not using condoms in this day and age, but I was on the pill and neither of us had any communicable diseases. Sex was a big part of our lives. I loved it and so did he. He was the person who first introduced me to oral sex, and although I was not as big on playing his flute as I was to him licking my little nubby friend, it was really nice.
Somehow that was not enough for me. I was an avid reader and had read about those great orgasms that women in those books always had with their lovers. I wanted to be able to feel that sensation that they described. You see, the issue was that even though he was great at oral sex, he just had no staying power at all with conventional sex. I only had an inkling of what a full orgasm would be like. I mean, when he was in me, it felt so much better, and was so good, but he could never last long enough to satisfy me. It was only the oral sex that was keeping me sexually happy, but I wanted so much more.
As you can see I was somewhat frustrated, and being a private person by nature (at least about sex) I did not confide in anybody. Eventually I decided to do something about it. I ventured into a sex shop for the first time in my life. After skulking around picking up random items off the shelves for a bit, I finally approached an older woman who worked there and explained my dilemma. She was very nice about it and made me feel comfortable. Apparently it is quite common for younger men to be a bit too excited when having sex and they just do not have any control. She showed me a cream that was designed to numb things down a bit so you could last longer. It seemed like just the right thing, so I purchased it and brought it home.
For the rest of the day, time dragged. I knew that I was in the possession of the secret formula that was going to change my sex life. Take it from something good to something that was the envy of the gods on Olympus! I had been waiting my whole adult life for this! I was going to have the kind of orgasm that would make the gods weep, make the earth stop in its orbit, and make a fifty dollar prostitute jealous!
That night, as I was getting ready for bed, I squeezed some from the tube and applied it liberally to my pussy. I immediately started to feel the effects. As I got into bed, I left no doubt in his mind that I wanted to make love with him. We kissed long and passionately, then he started to kiss me on the neck, then my nipples. I was going wild. At that point, he started to lick my pussy!
But wait! Something was wrong! This was supposed to be the best night ever but it was not! I was not as stimulated as I usually was, and I kept telling him to lick harder. When I looked at him, his eyes were wide in panic. He tried to say something but all that came out was “AHHU HUAM MUHA”. He could not seem to talk! He literally flew to the bathroom and rinsed his mouth. He tried water, then mouthwash. Nothing seemed to work. As a last ditch resort, he used hand soap on his mouth, but that did not work either. It took about a half hour for everything to settle down enough that he could talk.
He asked me what the hell I did to him. When I explained my problem, he looked at me strangely and then asked to see the tube. After he read them, he started to shake his head and then looked at me. He asked me if I had read the instructions, and I said no. When he asked my why not, I said that the woman in the store told me what to do. She told me I just had to rub it on. He said that had I actually read the instructions, I would have known to rub it on him rather than on me. In addition to that little gem, the instructions also had a prohibition on oral sex when using that product.
At first I was mortified. Then I started to laugh. He started to laugh too. Pretty soon we were rolling around the bed laughing so hard that I almost peed. Good thing I did not because we were still stark naked.
Well it has been many years since that night. I have been to sex shops more than once since then, but now I always read the instructions very, very carefully. Unfortunately, our relationship did not last for very long after that night. His career took him some place I could not go. But of all the men I have loved, he is the one that I always smile about when I think of him.
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